Can Open Relationships Work? Destiny as a Case Study
What We Can Learn From Twitch Streamer Drama
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Self-described “omni-liberal” streamer Destiny (real name Steven Kenneth Bonnell II) is apparently divorcing Melina Göransson, who were famous for their open marriage.
After being married for almost two years, the last straw allegedly came when Melina fell for a “toxic/abusive” man in Sweden, where she’s been living for the last six months to deal with legal issues. A screenshot shared by a Reddit user shows Melina and the other man frequently streaming together:
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The internet is responding by clowning on Destiny for being in an open arrangement in the first place, pointing to other streamers and influencers who had predicted the marriage would end badly. One particularly piercing clip from the Whatever podcast shows Chase (aka Sovereign Brah) question the pair on their relationship:
Chase: “God forbid this happens, will it be fun if this open relationship ends up causing things to fall apart down the line if one of you guys finds yourself in an ‘entanglement,’ so to speak, with somebody who you might a deeper connection with than the other person…?”
Destiny: “No, it would be horrible, and it would be sad.”
Chase: “Do you guys have a high degree of confidence that your marriage will last for decades?”
Destiny: “I married her without a prenup, so I f'*cking hope so.” (He laughs, with Melina reassuringly grabbing his hand and kissing him on the cheek.)
Ouch.
I don’t hate Destiny, and I don’t particularly want to join the bandwagon of dunking on him. I disagree with many of his positions, but I’ve watched some of his content before and always thought him to be at least somewhat reasonable. As far as progressives go, he’s certainly not the worst and actually opposes a decent portion of woke ideology, for instance.
But, this is something of a teachable moment, highlighting the pitfalls of an open relationship, which rarely ends well. I will admit there was a time in my more liberal era where I experimented with the idea. It appeals to many — especially men — on the premise of preserving choice and variety in an otherwise “restrictive,” monogamous relationship.
And there’s a trendy undercurrent behind the idea, too. Divorce rates are abysmal. “Ethical non-monogamy” is now fashionable, a direct branch of progressive attitudes toward sex and relationships. It is routine to compare ourselves to the animal kingdom and the rarity of monogamy. For instance, only about 9 percent of mammals are monogamous.
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And, it is estimated that 80 percent of early human societies were polygamous. It’s clear that the default setting for life is polygamy, perfectly in line with life’s directive to reproduce as much as possible.
But, we have instincts for all kinds of things, producing impulses that aren’t always wise to act on. As the more religious among us might say, God’s grace calls us to something higher. (Or, if you don’t like this analogy, attribute it to our brain’s neo-cortex and evolutionarily “newer” long-term reasoning faculties of mankind [Oops, I meant peoplekind.])
Chase: “If you really take your vows before God seriously, and you’re regularly attending church… you look at the data on that, the divorce rates are much lower than the average population.”
Destiny: “I want my wife to be with me, not because I’m the only one she’s allowed to f*ck, and not because we made a promise in front of a sky fairy a long time ago that she has to be with me. I want her to be with me because she loves me, because she respects me, because she thinks that I’m the coolest guy for her…
I actually agree with a part of Destiny’s reasoning here, that we shouldn’t want our partner to be with us only because they feel obligated to do so by religion or social pressure. But the “sky fairy” comment is revealing.
This is the trap that ensnares so many atheists and “secular humanists.” It is a mode of thinking stuck in the material world, with a lack of access to the higher mind, whether one calls it the Platonic ideals or God himself. It limits the imagination to the earthly. This sounds esoteric, but it translates into tangible beliefs and resultant actions.
Without a higher power, we inevitably see humanity as the apex of life. As such, our thoughts, desires, and instincts take on an inflated importance in the cosmic order. It is no wonder that so many justifications for aberrant sexualities including transgenderism, queerness, and “ethical non-monogamy” come from atheistic strains of thought.
If that’s a stretch for you, even evolutionary science shows us that humanity was meant to evolve out of polygamy.
While the two new studies published last week disagree about the force driving the evolution of monogamy, they do agree on something important. “Once monogamy has evolved, then male care is far more likely,” Dr. Opie said.
Once a monogamous primate father starts to stick around, he has the opportunity to raise the odds that his offspring will survive. He can carry them, groom their fur and protect them from attacks.
In our own lineage, however, fathers went further. They had evolved the ability to hunt and scavenge meat, and they were supplying some of that food to their children. “They may have gone beyond what is normal for monogamous primates,” said Dr. Opie.
The extra supply of protein and calories that human children started to receive is widely considered a watershed moment in our evolution. It could explain why we have brains far bigger than other mammals.
Brains are hungry organs, demanding 20 times more calories than a similar piece of muscle. Only with a steady supply of energy-rich meat, Dr. Opie suggests, were we able to evolve big brains — and all the mental capacities that come with it.
Because of monogamy, Dr. Opie said, “This could be how humans were able to push through a ceiling in terms of brain size.”
Monogamy enabled the hominid family unit, the fundamental building block of civilization. So, as much as there is a polygamy instinct, there is a higher-order “instinct” beyond it.
That divorce rates have increased in modern life, and that gender relations are generally worse off today, is not an indictment of monogamy, but rather a vindication of it. Exhibit A: the U.S., and the West, has clearly declined as this basic social unit has deteriorated.
I wish Destiny well, but I hope he comes to understand that the highest form of relationship will be found not in the bread-and-circus carousel of à la carte partners, but in the hearth of a loving monogamous relationship. Don’t reinvent the relationship wheel; it doesn’t work. If you don’t buy the spiritual argument, we have the entirety of civilizational flourishing to back it up.
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You can't close Pandora's box